I have spent the majority of my “spring” break pulling myself out of a funk of my own creation.
Firstly, I am a sufferer of lack of vitamin D and I do not believe in tanning – the goal of taking on the texture of a decades-old football is of no interest to me- and secondly, I wasn’t “enough” for a job I had been pinning all my hopes on for the summer. In my own rose-coloured eyes, I was so racked with education, various experiences, volunteer situations and so much more, that there was simply no way that I wasn’t the best candidate applying for said employment! And with what can only be described as a flea-sized difference between type of experience, I was told they “decided to go with someone more qualified”. Bam. There it was. My mortal enemy: Darth Failure and his lackeys, Fear and Frustration.
Many times in my professional career up to this point had been spent in perpetual fear: Would I be laid off soon? Is my work good enough to convince someone to hire me on full-time? Can I afford to buy anything on credit knowing that I may be jobless in 3, 2, 1…? And when the inevitable would happen, I immediately went into Frustration Mode: I did my best work for them! I moved again for this job! I took a pay cut from the industry average for this experience! And all this would eventually lead me down the deep, dark path towards Failure. My Failure. A burden that was becoming more burdensome as the years progressed and the emptiness it was leaving in my soul was crushing.
Eventually, I realized that the only way I was ever going to create a brand new Lesley-verse was to meet my Failure head-on. A battling duel, if you will. Though I was fearful of what I would find in such a head-on confrontation, I needed to find my light; saber my way through the darkness! And what I found was the process itself was difficult, but necessary.
I’m a happy person. And I’m optimistic. Being negative is tiring to me, and boring on the best of days. It turned out Fear and Frustration were not, in fact, Darth Failure’s lackey’s, but my own little guides to finding success. When those feelings popped up, it meant that it was time to reboot, retool and rework some of my needs, goals and objectives. The help was out there somewhere, and it was up to me to recruit that help and work it to my advantage.
When I finally decided that going back to school was beneficial to me and my future employers, it was after careful consideration of what new skills I could attain and if there was any need in the workforce for them. And I stand by this decision. Which brings me back full-circle to the topic du jour…
Regardless of all qualifications, I wasn’t who they were looking for. I was disappointed. I did not fail, I just didn’t succeed. This time. And now, I’m moving along. And for all those still in epic battle with their Dark Side, just remember:
I would tell you to keep trying, but as we all know: There is only do or do not. Am I right?